Perception

 I will try to give a little background on the topic and then go into more detail but this time I think I will just jump in and go for it!

I am getting really upset here lately about how people are using their views to be the judge and jury on how certain people should live their life.  Now I am all for independent thinking but only when you have derived an answer from reasonable facts. 

A group of us hang out together; it just so happens that most of us are single and unattached with one person having a child.  It appears that the ladies are constantly being reminded that we are to keep in mind how others can perceive our actions as questionable while the guys in the group are completely removed from their actions being viewed as inappropriate.   

Last night a few of us was at a lounge listening to some live music and partaking in some delicious food and drinks. As customary with us, if you have some friends that you know would like to come and hang out - the more the merrier. One of the guys from the group invited one of his college buddies who was in town on business.  He and a couple of co-workers he invited came along.  A few of them were married while one was single.  

Here is the situation, as we mixed and mingled with each other, some outsiders took notice and wanted to know why we continued to have conversation with the married guys. We always carry ourselves in a respectable manner but among friends we all tend to be ourselves and let down guards. I asked would they feel more comfortable if we only talked to the single gentlemen.  Although they felt that would have been more appropriate we are to still be cautious to not give the perception we were desperate and preying on the “new guy”.  Either way it was a no-win situation. Recently the ladies in the group have been reminded by a few people on the outside that when we go out to different spots in the city we are to scale back and be more reserved when hanging out and talking to married men.  I asked for further clarification because that statement was very loaded.  It has been brought to our attention although we don’t dress improper our outgoing personalities give the “perception” that we are being inappropriate. We were all in a circle talking about issues in the African American community when we were told to make sure we follow certain guidelines even when in group settings.  Please be reminded, that we always remember the “common sense” rules of respecting a person who is in a committed relationship or married so it was the gray areas that was being addressed.   In our roundtable discussion we were told not to make a lot of gestures with our hands and not to giggle/laugh at what the married men were saying – only the single ones.

The guys in the group – both the married and unattached were given a free pass because they are men and are said to be weaker by nature.  I was told never to assume they don’t want to cheat but to make sure I clarify my intentions are such I respect their significant other and don’t want anything from them.  Double standard is the name of the game and in some situations they warrant justification.

For some reason I have noticed that their wife/girlfriend is not going out in the evenings.  Whatever the case may be, I would like to see less pressure on us single ladies and more accountability on the males.  Please don’t always assume that a single woman is out to steal someone else’s husband/man.  We are not all desperate and looking to break up a happy home. Though some women will take advantage of a situation if the opportunity presents itself, the man has to be a willing participant for it to go further. 

To all my single, educated, talented, and independent sistas – always carry yourself like a lady and be respectful of yourself and others.  More importantly, if someone brings this issue to your attention I say evaluate their opinion and check yourself to make sure you are on point and not who/what they say you are.  After evaluating and assessing all the variables in the equation and you derive a different conclusion from theirs – don’t let other peoples erroneous perception become your reality.

My grandfather had a sixth grade education and sharecropped his entire life alongside his fourteen other brothers and sisters, I want to leave you with something he always told me – “the truth can always stand, and needs help from no one”.